‘Sidewalk Closed’ Sign Leaves Pedestrians Frightened, Wandering Helplessly

Vol 62: Issue 6
CHICAGO—Plunged into sudden disarray and confusion, pedestrians on Augusta Boulevard were reportedly left frightened and wandering helplessly Monday after encountering a bright orange “Sidewalk...
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Just When I Thought The World Couldn’t Get Any Worse, My Wife Makes Me...

Vol 62: Issue 6
Every time I turn on the news, there’s something dreadful happening. Drugs pouring into our communities, innocent people dying in the streets, chaos unfolding...
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Masturbating Man Keeping Eye On Game

Vol 62: Issue 6
SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Though he focused the majority of his attention on stroking and squeezing his genitalia, sources confirmed that local masturbating man Kenneth Carter still...
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Your Doppelgänger’s House

Vol 62: Issue 6
Your Doppelgänger’s House: Aspirational home, complete with loving wife and daughter. You look and sound enough like him that they would never suspect a...
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Authorities Unearth Mass Grave Of Trump Advisors

Vol 62: Issue 6
WASHINGTON—Authorities in the nation’s capital reportedly unearthed the bodies of more than 150 former Trump advisors Thursday after a worker stumbled upon what appeared...
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Rob Kardashian Sells Timothée Chalamet Bag Of Oregano

Vol 62: Issue 6
The post Rob Kardashian Sells Timothée Chalamet Bag Of Oregano appeared first on The Onion.
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Yankees Appearance Policy Amended To Allow Extreme Body Modification 

Vol 62: Issue 6
TAMPA, FL—Acknowledging that the organization’s famously clean-cut grooming standards had grown increasingly out of place in a league that has otherwise evolved to embrace...
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Surrogate Not Allowed On Furniture

Vol 62: Issue 6
SADDLE RIVER, NJ—Saying “Down, down!” in an assertive voice and repeatedly spraying her with water, local man Justin Landry emphasized to reporters Thursday that...
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God Discontinues The Pebble

Vol 62: Issue 6
THE HEAVENS—In an effort to make the universe a more modern and efficient place, the Lord God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, confirmed Wednesday...
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Teresa Cox

Vol 62: Issue 6
The family of Teresa Cox, 81, will hold a burial service for her this Saturday and then exhume the body a week later for...
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Iran live updates: Peace deal a ‘work in progress,’ Rubio says

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China launches Shenzhou 23 spacecraft with 1 of 3 astronauts set for yearlong stay

China launched the Shenzhou 23 spacecraft with 3 astronauts heading to its space station. One astronaut is set to stay in space for a...

4-Warn Storm Tracker witnesses wrong-way driver seconds before head-on collision in Yukon

YUKON, Okla. (KFOR) — 4-Warn Storm Tracker Aric Dickson was driving in Yukon on I-40 near Czech Hall Road Friday night, finding himself in...