THE HEAVENS—In an effort to make the universe a more modern and efficient place, the Lord God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, confirmed Wednesday that He would be discontinuing the pebble. “Starting in the year of our Me 2026, I will be ceasing creation of the pebble so that I can turn My focus toward stones, rocks, and boulders,” said the all-knowing and all-powerful deity, who stressed that there were already 300 billion pebbles in circulation, the vast majority of which were no longer being used by humanity.
“It’s time to phase the pebble out. We all know they’re mostly just taking up space at this point. We might take My power for granted, but each time I say ‘Let there be a pebble,’ it actually takes up quite a bit of energy, much more than any of those pebbles are worth. And to anyone who’s worried they’re going to miss pebbles, don’t worry—you’re going to love sand.” God added that He would be setting up an FAQ on His website shortly for those seeking more information.
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