Pros And Cons Of Non-Grass Lawns
Many Americans are foregoing traditional grass lawns in favor of native plants, drought-resistent succulents, and even rocks. The Onion examines the pros and cons...
Anti-Aging Millionaire Announces He Has Split Back Into Sperm And Egg
LOS ANGELES—Touting the success of his intensive anti-aging regimen Project Blueprint, tech multimillionaire Bryan Johnson announced Monday that he had split back into a...
Chase Reminds Customers To Only Share Banking Information With People Who Seem Nice
NEW YORK—Warning that curt greetings and aggressive demands could be a sign someone was a scammer, JPMorgan Chase officials reminded customers Friday to only...
The Iran War By The Numbers
Since the U.S. and Israel attacked Iran on Feb. 28, hostilities have escalated into naval blockades and threats from both sides that could spark...
Nation Begs Frozen Fruit Companies To Keep The Giant Flavorless Blackberries Coming
WASHINGTON—Stressing that they couldn’t get enough of the bland icy husks that crumble apart in their mouths, the American people reportedly begged frozen fruit...
Alex Honnold Has Panic Attack At Top Of Step Ladder
LAS VEGAS—His body trembling as he gripped the support bar for dear life, rock climber Alex Honnold reportedly had a panic attack this week...
Study Finds Gen Z Adults Moving Home For Better Access To Triscuits
MEDFORD, MA—Charting a steep downturn in the number of young adults living independently, a study published Wednesday by Tufts University researchers found that Gen...
NASA Announces Rover Has Found Beauty In The Mundane On Mars
PASADENA, CA—Releasing the latest images transmitted by the robotic vehicle, scientists from NASA announced Tuesday that the Curiosity rover had found beauty in the...
Financial Experts Recommend Putting Tax Return Toward Dream Sandwich
NEW YORK—Urging Americans to think long-term when considering any financial decisions, experts from Wells Fargo recommended Monday that taxpayers earmark a portion of their...
Timeline Of China–Taiwan Relations
Tensions between mainland China and Taiwan remain volatile, with significant geopolitical implications in the region and abroad. The Onion looks back at China’s history...
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Enhanced Games Allows Competing Athletes To Use Steroids
The inaugural Enhanced Games, consisting of weightlifting, swimming, and sprinting, were held, which allowed competitors to take performance-enhancing drugs in hopes of pushing the...
Woman Worried She In Codependent Relationship With Rest Of Humanity
BOONE, NC—Noting that the troubling signs of a toxic dynamic had become too numerous to ignore, area woman Kara Vasques expressed concern Wednesday that...
Elon Musk Hits Up Text Thread To See If Any Of His 13 Kids...
STARBASE, TX—Firing off dozens of messages in less than a minute at 2:30 a.m., Elon Musk reportedly hit up a text thread Wednesday to...
