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The Onion Staff

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American Voices

Price Of Teeth Rises

Donald Trump

Trump On Fence About Attending Ayatollah’s Funeral

Donald Trump

Trump Wins $60 On Kalshi Betting He’ll Bomb Iran

Donald Trump

Trump Creates Makeshift Situation Room In Mar-A-Lago Sauna

AI

Data Centers By The Numbers

American Voices

NYPD Arrests Man For Hitting Officers With Snowball

AI

Anyone Else Have Those Weird Dreams Where Sobbing Future Generations Beg...

Food

Nation Forced To Eat 35 Million Canadians To Survive Harsh Winter

Former Print Exclusive

Shaq Warns Young Players Not To Do Movie About Genie

Former Print Exclusive

Trump Boys Try Trading In George Washington Portrait At GameStop

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Hegseth leaves door open for boots on the ground in Iran

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