I Want Kids So I’ll Have Someone To Take Care Of Me When I...

Former Print Exclusive
More people than ever are eschewing parenthood, and if you talk to my peers, they’ll readily tell you why. They’ll say it’s too expensive,...
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Loretta Parodi and Sam Alcott

Former Print Exclusive
The bride and groom said they knew they were perfect together when they both failed to get any other matches on Hinge. The post Loretta...
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Commuter’s Dream

Former Print Exclusive
This charming 2-bedroom is technically walking distance from the local train station, in the sense that humans are physically capable of walking 41 miles...
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Nation’s Smart Toilets Begin Counting Down

Former Print Exclusive
WASHINGTON—Announcing “60… 59…58…” through their waterproof Bluetooth speakers in a booming, robotic voice that horrified millions of Americans across the country, the nation’s smart...
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Groom’s Wedding Vows Just Pledge Of Allegiance

Former Print Exclusive
The post Groom’s Wedding Vows Just Pledge Of Allegiance appeared first on The Onion.
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Everything Finally Clicks For Man After Getting Diagnosed As Stupid

Former Print Exclusive
CARY, NC—Describing the experience as “a revelation,” 38-year-old Derrick Henard told reporters Wednesday that everything had finally clicked for him after he was given...
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Shawn Graham

Former Print Exclusive
Family and friends of Shawn Graham, 56, were shocked and saddened to learn that it costs $300 to submit an obituary to a newspaper. The...
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Agriculture Dept. Puts Trump’s Face On Soybeans

Former Print Exclusive
The post Agriculture Dept. Puts Trump’s Face On Soybeans appeared first on The Onion.
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Health Speculations Swirl After Trump Slumps Over In Saddle Of Runaway Horse

Former Print Exclusive
WASHINGTON—Setting off a fresh wave of scrutiny over the commander-in-chief’s physical condition, speculations regarding President Donald Trump’s health swirled Tuesday after he slumped over...
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What Middle Class Looks Like Now

Former Print Exclusive
Finally landed the career of your dreams? Well, this dated, leaky 2-bedroom home is still all you’ll ever be able to afford because that’s...
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Latest article

Rhode Island Republicans gamble on self-described ‘J6er’ to challenge incumbent Democrat

On Wednesday, Rhode Island Republicans nominated Victor Mellor, a registered foreign agent and self-described “J6er” who was present during the deadly Capitol riot, in...
This fossilized feather dates back 66 million years to the late Cretaceous. "It is, without a doubt, the best feather we

A fossil feather from the age of dinosaurs may explain why only some birds...

An extremely well preserved fossil feather could reveal why some birds survived the dinosaur-killing asteroid, and others did not.(Image credit: Nate Carroll)

Trump Claims 9/11 Attacks Happening Every Day In Democratic Cities

WASHINGTON—Saying the tragic events of 25 years ago were just the beginning in the nation’s blue states, President Donald Trump claimed Thursday that 9/11...