Masturbating Man Keeping Eye On Game

Former Print Exclusive
SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Though he focused the majority of his attention on stroking and squeezing his genitalia, sources confirmed that local masturbating man Kenneth Carter still...
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Rob Kardashian Sells Timothée Chalamet Bag Of Oregano

Former Print Exclusive
The post Rob Kardashian Sells Timothée Chalamet Bag Of Oregano appeared first on The Onion.
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WWII Veteran Standing On Field Not Planned 

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KANSAS CITY, MO—Shuffling quietly near the third-base line as security officials scrambled to piece together a response, a frail uniformed World War II veteran...
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Yankees Appearance Policy Amended To Allow Extreme Body Modification 

Former Print Exclusive
TAMPA, FL—Acknowledging that the organization’s famously clean-cut grooming standards had grown increasingly out of place in a league that has otherwise evolved to embrace...
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Surrogate Not Allowed On Furniture

Former Print Exclusive
SADDLE RIVER, NJ—Saying “Down, down!” in an assertive voice and repeatedly spraying her with water, local man Justin Landry emphasized to reporters Thursday that...
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Teresa Cox

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The family of Teresa Cox, 81, will hold a burial service for her this Saturday and then exhume the body a week later for...
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God Discontinues The Pebble

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THE HEAVENS—In an effort to make the universe a more modern and efficient place, the Lord God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, confirmed Wednesday...
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What Are We Doing After Graduation?

Former Print Exclusive
The post What Are We Doing After Graduation? appeared first on The Onion.
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Trump Shares Recipe For Famous ‘Better Than Pedophilia’ Cake

Former Print Exclusive
WASHINGTON—Claiming that his signature dessert had garnered rave reviews from victims and co-conspirators alike, President Donald Trump took to Truth Social on Tuesday to...
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Trump Shares Recipe For Famous ‘Better Than Pedophilia’ Cake

Former Print Exclusive
WASHINGTON—Claiming that his signature dessert had garnered rave reviews from victims and co-conspirators alike, President Donald Trump took to Truth Social on Tuesday to...
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Latest article

The economic chilling effect of Trump’s immigration crackdown

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