Michael Rapaport Gives Knicks’ Celebrity Row Bedbugs
NEW YORK—Following a scene in which numerous high-profile attendees were observed violently clawing at their own skin, officials at Madison Square Garden acknowledged Wednesday...
What Are We Protesting?
The post What Are We Protesting? appeared first on The Onion.
Zoe Peters
Zoe Peters died at 76 from a heart attack, assuming the medical examiner accepts her husband’s bribe.
The post Zoe Peters appeared first on The...
Man Torn Over Which Shirt Worthy Of Wooden Hanger
THOMASVILLE, GA—Paralyzed by the weight of the choice before him, local man Sam Corrigan reportedly spent several agonizing minutes Monday deciding which of his...
Nick Offerman Visits Criterion Closet To Rebuild Shelves
NEW YORK—In an eight-hour-long video posted Tuesday to the Criterion Collection’s YouTube channel, actor Nick Offerman can be seen paying a visit to the...
Biologists Confirm Not Much Evolution Happened Today
STANFORD, CA—Calling it a “pretty slow one” as far as natural selection and genetic drift were concerned, biologists from Stanford University confirmed Tuesday that...
Increased Work Commitments Causing Man To Neglect Alcohol
WATERBURY, CT—Admitting his career had come between him and what mattered most, local man Andrew Tesser confirmed Thursday that mounting work obligations had caused...
Teresa Willis and Brendan Cooks
Nuptials were held at the same convenience store where the bride first threatened to put a bullet in the groom’s skull if he didn’t...
Brutal Economy Fulfills Mom’s Dream Of Having All Her Kids Back Home
DULUTH, MN—Overjoyed to have a full house for the first time since everyone went off to college, local mother Leslie Daniels confirmed Thursday it...
NFL Announces Multiple Games Next Season To Be Played Across Ancient History
NEW YORK—Calling the move the logical next phase in the league’s continuing expansion into new markets, the NFL announced Monday that, beginning next season,...
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3 evacuated off cruise ship with suspected hantavirus cluster, WHO says
Swiss authorities also confirmed a case in a passenger who had left the ship.
Abortion pill fight thrust into spotlight as midterms heat up
A federal court has thrust the issue of abortion back into the national spotlight, just months before the midterm elections. Voter anger about abortion...
Gas costs 50% more than it did before the Iran war
Gas costs 50% more than it did before the Iran war.
