‘Sidewalk Closed’ Sign Leaves Pedestrians Frightened, Wandering Helplessly
CHICAGO—Plunged into sudden disarray and confusion, pedestrians on Augusta Boulevard were reportedly left frightened and wandering helplessly Monday after encountering a bright orange “Sidewalk...
Just When I Thought The World Couldn’t Get Any Worse, My Wife Makes Me...
Every time I turn on the news, there’s something dreadful happening. Drugs pouring into our communities, innocent people dying in the streets, chaos unfolding...
Masturbating Man Keeping Eye On Game
SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Though he focused the majority of his attention on stroking and squeezing his genitalia, sources confirmed that local masturbating man Kenneth Carter still...
Authorities Unearth Mass Grave Of Trump Advisors
WASHINGTON—Authorities in the nation’s capital reportedly unearthed the bodies of more than 150 former Trump advisors Thursday after a worker stumbled upon what appeared...
Rob Kardashian Sells Timothée Chalamet Bag Of Oregano
The post Rob Kardashian Sells Timothée Chalamet Bag Of Oregano appeared first on The Onion.
Your Doppelgänger’s House
Your Doppelgänger’s House: Aspirational home, complete with loving wife and daughter. You look and sound enough like him that they would never suspect a...
WWII Veteran Standing On Field Not Planned
KANSAS CITY, MO—Shuffling quietly near the third-base line as security officials scrambled to piece together a response, a frail uniformed World War II veteran...
Surrogate Not Allowed On Furniture
SADDLE RIVER, NJ—Saying “Down, down!” in an assertive voice and repeatedly spraying her with water, local man Justin Landry emphasized to reporters Thursday that...
Yankees Appearance Policy Amended To Allow Extreme Body Modification
TAMPA, FL—Acknowledging that the organization’s famously clean-cut grooming standards had grown increasingly out of place in a league that has otherwise evolved to embrace...
God Discontinues The Pebble
THE HEAVENS—In an effort to make the universe a more modern and efficient place, the Lord God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, confirmed Wednesday...
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DOJ opens criminal investigation into E. Jean Carroll: Reports
The Department of Justice has opened a criminal investigation into E. Jean Carroll, the writer who accused President Donald Trump of sexually assaulting her...
Despite own ties, Stitt criticizes dark money groups, calls for release of mansion donor...
Following a series of News 4 investigations into dark money groups trying to influence Oklahoma elections, Gov. Kevin Stitt is calling for more transparency—and...
Former CIA officer allegedly defrauded US by lying about his credentials: Complaint
The former government officer, David Rush, has been charged with theft of public money, according to a complaint filed in the Eastern District of Virginia.
