Tiger Woods Completes 12-Step AA Program In 9
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Shai Gilgeous-Alexander Trying To Draw Foul While Shooting Free Throw
The post Shai Gilgeous-Alexander Trying To Draw Foul While Shooting Free Throw appeared first on The Onion.
Rawlings Donates 50,000 Baseball Gloves To Ukrainian War Effort
ST. LOUIS—In an effort to meet the urgent needs of a country in the throes of a dire humanitarian crisis, sporting goods manufacturer Rawlings...
Sweaty Ass Print On Rowing Machine Already Fading Like All Of Our Earthly Works
FORT WAYNE, IN—In a potent reminder of the inescapably transitory nature of all that is or ever will be, reports confirmed Tuesday that the...
Even Shaq Surprised To Learn He’s The New Spokesman For DivaCup
HEATH, TX—Admitting that he had no memory of agreeing to the endorsement deal, NBA Hall of Famer Shaquille O’Neal told reporters Tuesday that even...
Dad Demands Youth Coach Play Unathletic Son Less
UKIAH, CA—Calling the blatant display of favoritism unfair to both his child and the other players on the field, local father David McKenzie reportedly...
‘Sports Illustrated’ Removes Distracting Models From Swimsuit Edition
NEW YORK—In an effort to focus on the incredible array of bathing suits featured in its pages, Sports Illustrated announced Wednesday that it would...
Celtics Attempt To Lure Giannis By Announcing Payton Pritchard His Brother Now
BOSTON—In an effort to entice Giannis Antetokounmpo to join the franchise, the Boston Celtics announced Tuesday that guard Payton Pritchard was now the two-time...
Despondent Shohei Ohtani Figured He Would Have Met Steve-O After 8 Years In U.S.
LOS ANGELES—Admitting that it had cast a long shadow over his otherwise successful time in America, despondent Dodgers superstar Shohei Ohtani told reporters Tuesday...
Masturbating Man Keeping Eye On Game
SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Though he focused the majority of his attention on stroking and squeezing his genitalia, sources confirmed that local masturbating man Kenneth Carter still...
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Enhanced Games Allows Competing Athletes To Use Steroids
The inaugural Enhanced Games, consisting of weightlifting, swimming, and sprinting, were held, which allowed competitors to take performance-enhancing drugs in hopes of pushing the...
Woman Worried She In Codependent Relationship With Rest Of Humanity
BOONE, NC—Noting that the troubling signs of a toxic dynamic had become too numerous to ignore, area woman Kara Vasques expressed concern Wednesday that...
Elon Musk Hits Up Text Thread To See If Any Of His 13 Kids...
STARBASE, TX—Firing off dozens of messages in less than a minute at 2:30 a.m., Elon Musk reportedly hit up a text thread Wednesday to...
