Aaron Petrov

Vol 62: Issue 6
Aaron Petrov, 75, died suddenly Saturday at a very confusing murder mystery party. The post Aaron Petrov appeared first on The Onion.
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Everyone In Conversation Under Different Impression As To Which Horrific News Being Discussed

Vol 62: Issue 6
HENDERSON, NV—Solemnly nodding in agreement as they took turns speaking, each person engaged in an intense dinner conversation at a local restaurant Tuesday was...
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Dad Demands Youth Coach Play Unathletic Son Less

Vol 62: Issue 6
UKIAH, CA—Calling the blatant display of favoritism unfair to both his child and the other players on the field, local father David McKenzie reportedly...
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The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With JD Vance

Vol 62: Issue 6
Thanks to his swift rise from first-term Ohio senator to next-in-line for the presidency, JD Vance is thought by many to represent the vanguard...
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Tara Knox and Sean Blackwell

Vol 62: Issue 6
Tara Knox and Sean Blackwell: The civil union brings Blackwell’s lifetime dating record to 3-14-1. The post Tara Knox and Sean Blackwell appeared first on...
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Man Horrified To Find Self Seeking Community Online

Vol 62: Issue 6
FORT WAYNE, IN—Upon realizing his most meaningful social interactions now took place among people he had never actually encountered in the flesh, local man...
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Susan Westbrook

Vol 62: Issue 6
Susan Westbrook, 54, passed away Sunday after not shaking well something she was supposed to shake well. The post Susan Westbrook appeared first on The...
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Great For Streaming TV And Jerking Off

Vol 62: Issue 6
Look, we all know how most people live their lives these days, so let’s not beat around the bush and pretend you need a...
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CIA Under Fire For Arming Group Of Rowdy 7-Year-Olds

Vol 62: Issue 6
LANGLEY, VA—In the wake of an operation condemned by critics as a reckless provocation that fails to heed the lessons of history, the Central...
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Ben Landau and William Roth

Vol 62: Issue 6
Ben Landau and William Roth: The happy couple married in a rusty grain silo Saturday after learning the price of renting out the barn. The...
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