TAMPA, FL—Acknowledging that the organization’s famously clean-cut grooming standards had grown increasingly out of place in a league that has otherwise evolved to embrace personality and style, New York Yankees managing general partner Hal Steinbrenner announced Thursday that the team had amended its long-standing appearance policy to allow extreme body modification. “After soliciting feedback from many current and former Yankees, we have decided that, starting this season, dramatic physical alterations will now be permitted for any players or uniformed personnel who wish to sport forked tongues, pointed elfin ears, saucer-sized lip discs, or other forms of radical bodily expression,” said Steinbrenner, addressing the press alongside team captain Aaron Judge, who debuted subdermal horns, jet-black tattooed eyes, a surgically clefted cat mouth, and stretched earlobes as part of the new Yankees look. “Of course, players will still be expected to present a professional, team-first image on and off the field. They should avoid any looks that are in poor taste or don’t maintain the dignity of the pinstripes—cock mutilation, swastika scarification, that sort of thing. But if a player wants a zipper implanted across his abdomen or his teeth filed down into vampire fangs or any other similarly inoffensive modification, we believe that will help bring the team in alignment with the modern game of baseball.” Steinbrenner added that despite the update, players would still be reprimanded for unkempt facial hair.
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