LOS ANGELES—Admitting that it had cast a long shadow over his otherwise successful time in America, despondent Dodgers superstar Shohei Ohtani told reporters Tuesday that he figured he would have met Steve-O by now after eight years in the United States. “I saw Steve-O on TV so many times growing up, so when I first came to America, I expected to sometimes see him jump from behind a door and strike me in the groin, or maybe be launched from a cannon through the clubhouse wall,” said Ohtani, explaining that Jackass had been his favorite American television program back in Japan, where Steve-O is incredibly popular and widely known as “Mr. GoGo-Testicle Ultra.” “I keep looking over my shoulder, waiting for him to appear with leeches, a stun gun, or a small dangerous animal, but he never comes. I have met so many famous Americans—LeBron James, Tom Hanks, Preston Lacy at least 25 times—but still not the one man I came here to find. I do not understand why our paths have not crossed. I wish to tell him how greatly I respect his willingness to be hurt in a funny and honorable way. Please, Mr. GoGo-Testicle Ultra, I dream to staple your buttocks. Help make this happen.” Ohtani added that he had recently written Steve-O a formal letter inviting him to “please electrocute my very strong body for friendship” and was eagerly awaiting a response.
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