Panicked Dodgers Owner Has No Idea How He’s Going To Come Up With $414...
LOS ANGELES—Admitting that the team’s ballooning salary expenditures had rapidly gotten away from him, panicked Los Angeles Dodgers owner Mark Walter told reporters Thursday...
SNAP Now Requiring Recipients To Spend 80 Hours A Month In Hypoglycemic Coma
WASHINGTON—In an effort to clamp down on what it claimed was fraudulent use of federal food benefits, the U.S. Department of Agriculture announced Thursday...
Artemis II Mission Fails After Astronauts Miss Connection Rocket In Atlanta
ATLANTA—Forced to call off the approximately $4 billion journey around the moon due to unforeseen delays experienced by its four-member crew, NASA confirmed Thursday...
What To Know About ‘The Super Mario Galaxy Movie’
The Super Mario Galaxy Movie is now in theaters. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film.
Q: Does Mario say his...
Analysts Say Paramount-Warner Bros. Merger Offers Best Shot At ‘Sex And The City’ Reboot...
LOS ANGELES—Admitting that there were some significant upsides to the deal despite the concerns it had raised, analysts at the National Research Group reported...
Mail Carrier Hurt To Learn Residents On His Route Have Been Receiving Electronic Mail
TOLEDO, OH—Visibly distraught as he learned of the widespread betrayal, local mail carrier Ned Mungo expressed dismay Thursday upon realizing that the residents on...
Jake Paul Hoping To Gain Respect Of Boxing Community With Fight Against World’s Tallest...
The post Jake Paul Hoping To Gain Respect Of Boxing Community With Fight Against World’s Tallest Man appeared first on The Onion.
Inconsiderate Wife Leaves Bathroom A Total Mess After Home Birth
AUSTIN, TX—Reporting that he plans to shower at the gym due to the bathtub being left “absolutely disgusting,” local man Michael DiCanio expressed annoyance...
PETA Urges White House To Use Potatoes For Easter Egg Roll
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is urging the White House to ditch traditional Easter eggs in favor of decorated potatoes at its...
MLB Umpires Replaced By Lawn Chair Representing Strike Zone
The post MLB Umpires Replaced By Lawn Chair Representing Strike Zone appeared first on The Onion.
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Trump doubles down on ’86’ as mob term after Comey indictment
Former FBI Director James Comey made an initial court appearance on Wednesday.
The problem(s) with Team Trump’s new price tag for the war with Iran
The list of questions surrounding the war with Iran is not short, but one of the nagging lines of inquiry involves its price tag:...
Louisiana governor intends to delay House primaries after Supreme Court ruling
Republican Louisiana Gov. Jeff Landry intends to postpone the six congressional primaries scheduled for May 16 so the state legislature can implement a new...
