Bondi: ‘My Only Regret Is Not Being Able To Re-Traumatize More Victims’

Vol 62: Issue 13
The post Bondi: ‘My Only Regret Is Not Being Able To Re-Traumatize More Victims’ appeared first on The Onion.
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Pete Hegseth Replaces Top General With Horse That Drinks Beer 

Vol 62: Issue 13
WASHINGTON—Saying he had finally found a military commander whose character was worthy of the U.S. Army, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced Friday that he was...
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Iran Imposes New ‘Cash, Grass, Or Ass’ Fee For Strait Of Hormuz

Vol 62: Issue 13
The post Iran Imposes New ‘Cash, Grass, Or Ass’ Fee For Strait Of Hormuz appeared first on The Onion.
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Blue Origin To Increase Space Tourism By Launching World’s Largest Ball Of Twine Into...

Vol 62: Issue 13
KENT, WA—In an effort to attract new customers by generating more enthusiasm for space tourism among the general populace, civilian spaceflight operator Blue Origin...
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Pelicans-Kings Game Ends After Neither Team Able To Recover Tipoff

Vol 62: Issue 13
SACRAMENTO, CA—Following an extended series of failed attempts, Friday night’s matchup between the New Orleans Pelicans and the Sacramento Kings reportedly ended with neither...
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Photo Of Unknown Child Graces Grandma’s Fridge

Vol 62: Issue 13
The post Photo Of Unknown Child Graces Grandma’s Fridge appeared first on The Onion.
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Over 400,000 KitKat Bars Stolen In Heist

Vol 62: Issue 13
Food conglomerate Nestlé said that about 12 tons of KitKats, or 413,793 candy bars, were stolen after leaving its production site in Italy, with...
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Colorado Overrun With Flamboyant Children After Camp Director Notices Conversion Therapy Device Set To...

Vol 62: Issue 13
DENVER—Growing increasingly frantic as the mobs of exuberant preteens flooded from their bunks into the state of Colorado beyond, local Christian camp director Alan...
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Marvel Calls Emergency Meeting To Determine If They Already Made One Called ‘Avengers: Doomsday’

Vol 62: Issue 13
BURBANK, CA—In an effort to determine whether they needed to cease production immediately or if the film’s title simply sounded familiar, Marvel Studios reportedly called an...
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Trump Signs Executive Order To Create Federal Voting List

Vol 62: Issue 13
President Donald Trump signed an executive order aiming to create federal lists of citizens which the U.S. Postal Service would use to ensure mail...
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Trump touts newly released plans for D.C. triumphal arch

The proposed 250-feet-tall, white-and-gilded monument would stand on the National Mall in Washington, D.C., by the Potomac River.(Image credit: Jon Elswick)

How Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán’s hometown became a symbol of excesses

Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán has long been accused of corruption. Sightseers now flock to his hometown as groups aim to raise awareness of...

Celebrate 250 Years of the United States with the 395th Army Band

Oklahoma City (KFOR)- On Saturday, the 395th Army band put on a show for audiences at the Oklahoma History Center. The band is celebrating...