Jesus Clarifies Return Will Be Strictly Limited To Carpentry Business
JERUSALEM—In an effort to soften the blow for a human race eagerly awaiting His glorious arrival, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, clarified Monday...
Victor Wembanyama Issued Technical For Punching Jumbotron
The post Victor Wembanyama Issued Technical For Punching Jumbotron appeared first on The Onion.
British Man Desperately Trying To Get Out Of Panel Show Duty
LONDON—Pinching the bridge of his nose and releasing a long weary sigh after he opened a letter summoning him to BBC headquarters, British man...
Study: Children Who Play Violent Video Games More Likely To Say ‘That’s Goro’ When...
BOSTON—In startling new research connecting gaming habits with verbal behavior, a Boston College study published Monday found that young children who played violent video...
Colorado Overrun With Flamboyant Children After Camp Director Notices Conversion Therapy Device Set To...
DENVER—Growing increasingly frantic as the mobs of exuberant preteens flooded from their bunks into the state of Colorado beyond, local Christian camp director Alan...
Over 400,000 KitKat Bars Stolen In Heist
Food conglomerate Nestlé said that about 12 tons of KitKats, or 413,793 candy bars, were stolen after leaving its production site in Italy, with...
Iran Imposes New ‘Cash, Grass, Or Ass’ Fee For Strait Of Hormuz
The post Iran Imposes New ‘Cash, Grass, Or Ass’ Fee For Strait Of Hormuz appeared first on The Onion.
Biggest Revelations From The ‘Hannah Montana’ Reunion
Last week, Disney+ reunited the stars of Hannah Montana for the first time since the series premiered two decades ago. Here are the biggest...
Frog A Little Turned On By Avocado
The post Frog A Little Turned On By Avocado appeared first on The Onion.
Panicked Dodgers Owner Has No Idea How He’s Going To Come Up With $414...
LOS ANGELES—Admitting that the team’s ballooning salary expenditures had rapidly gotten away from him, panicked Los Angeles Dodgers owner Mark Walter told reporters Thursday...
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Trump doubles down on ’86’ as mob term after Comey indictment
Former FBI Director James Comey made an initial court appearance on Wednesday.
The problem(s) with Team Trump’s new price tag for the war with Iran
The list of questions surrounding the war with Iran is not short, but one of the nagging lines of inquiry involves its price tag:...
Louisiana governor intends to delay House primaries after Supreme Court ruling
Republican Louisiana Gov. Jeff Landry intends to postpone the six congressional primaries scheduled for May 16 so the state legislature can implement a new...
