Study: Most Men Believe They Could Seduce Bear If Life Depended On It

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DENVER—In an expression of overwhelming confidence in their innate animal magnetism, the majority of men who participated is a study published Friday by researchers...
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Tips For Supporting Public Media

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The Trump administration has targeted NPR, PBS, and their affiliates. The Onion shares tips for supporting public media.  Contact your senator with thoughts on the...
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CIA Under Fire For Arming Group Of Rowdy 7-Year-Olds

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LANGLEY, VA—In the wake of an operation condemned by critics as a reckless provocation that fails to heed the lessons of history, the Central...
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Gas Station Price Sign Using Scientific Notation

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The post Gas Station Price Sign Using Scientific Notation appeared first on The Onion.
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What To Know About Hantavirus

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Three people have died and others have fallen ill after contracting hantavirus aboard a Dutch-owned luxury cruise ship. The Onion shares everything you need...
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Surrogate Not Allowed On Furniture

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SADDLE RIVER, NJ—Saying “Down, down!” in an assertive voice and repeatedly spraying her with water, local man Justin Landry emphasized to reporters Thursday that...
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God Discontinues The Pebble

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THE HEAVENS—In an effort to make the universe a more modern and efficient place, the Lord God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, confirmed Wednesday...
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Church Of Scientology Speedrunner Screams After Barging In On Xenu Taking Bath

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LOS ANGELES—Howling in terror upon observing the Supreme Ruler of the Galaxy in all of His uncovered glory, TikTok creator Alex Morris reportedly screamed...
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College Vs. Trade School

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Amidst rising costs and concerns about long-term prospects, more young Americans are forgoing traditional higher education paths in favor of vocational schools. The Onion...
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Epidemiologists Confirm First Airborne Transmission Of Mar-A-Lago Face

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WASHINGTON—In a troubling discovery that has public health researchers on high alert for a wider outbreak, a team of Georgetown University epidemiologists announced Tuesday...
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Despite own ties, Stitt criticizes dark money groups, calls for release of mansion donor...

Following a series of News 4 investigations into dark money groups trying to influence Oklahoma elections, Gov. Kevin Stitt is calling for more transparency—and...

Former CIA officer allegedly defrauded US by lying about his credentials: Complaint

The former government officer, David Rush, has been charged with theft of public money, according to a complaint filed in the Eastern District of Virginia. 

Newsom seeks to shield California elections from federal interference

Gov. Gavin Newsom has signed legislation that aims to shield California elections from federal interference ahead of the state's primary next week