Pros And Cons Of Non-Grass Lawns

News
Many Americans are foregoing traditional grass lawns in favor of native plants, drought-resistent succulents, and even rocks. The Onion examines the pros and cons...
Read more

Anti-Aging Millionaire Announces He Has Split Back Into Sperm And Egg

News
LOS ANGELES—Touting the success of his intensive anti-aging regimen Project Blueprint, tech multimillionaire Bryan Johnson announced Monday that he had split back into a...
Read more

Chase Reminds Customers To Only Share Banking Information With People Who Seem Nice 

News
NEW YORK—Warning that curt greetings and aggressive demands could be a sign someone was a scammer, JPMorgan Chase officials reminded customers Friday to only...
Read more

The Iran War By The Numbers

News
Since the U.S. and Israel attacked Iran on Feb. 28, hostilities have escalated into naval blockades and threats from both sides that could spark...
Read more

Nation Begs Frozen Fruit Companies To Keep The Giant Flavorless Blackberries Coming 

News
WASHINGTON—Stressing that they couldn’t get enough of the bland icy husks that crumble apart in their mouths, the American people reportedly begged frozen fruit...
Read more

Study Finds Gen Z Adults Moving Home For Better Access To Triscuits

News
MEDFORD, MA—Charting a steep downturn in the number of young adults living independently, a study published Wednesday by Tufts University researchers found that Gen...
Read more

Alex Honnold Has Panic Attack At Top Of Step Ladder

News
LAS VEGAS—His body trembling as he gripped the support bar for dear life, rock climber Alex Honnold reportedly had a panic attack this week...
Read more

NASA Announces Rover Has Found Beauty In The Mundane On Mars

News
PASADENA, CA—Releasing the latest images transmitted by the robotic vehicle, scientists from NASA announced Tuesday that the Curiosity rover had found beauty in the...
Read more

Timeline Of China–Taiwan Relations

News
Tensions between mainland China and Taiwan remain volatile, with significant geopolitical implications in the region and abroad. The Onion looks back at China’s history...
Read more

Financial Experts Recommend Putting Tax Return Toward Dream Sandwich

News
NEW YORK—Urging Americans to think long-term when considering any financial decisions, experts from Wells Fargo recommended Monday that taxpayers earmark a portion of their...
Read more
1...121314...18Page 13 of 18

Latest article

Despite own ties, Stitt criticizes dark money groups, calls for release of mansion donor...

Following a series of News 4 investigations into dark money groups trying to influence Oklahoma elections, Gov. Kevin Stitt is calling for more transparency—and...

Former CIA officer allegedly defrauded US by lying about his credentials: Complaint

The former government officer, David Rush, has been charged with theft of public money, according to a complaint filed in the Eastern District of Virginia. 

Newsom seeks to shield California elections from federal interference

Gov. Gavin Newsom has signed legislation that aims to shield California elections from federal interference ahead of the state's primary next week