Spirit Airlines Resumes Business After CEO Finds Nickel On Ground

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DANIA BEACH, FL—Reversing its company-wide shutdown after the sudden influx of capital, Spirit Airlines resumed business Monday after its CEO Dave Davis reportedly found...
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Doctors Confirm Rudy Giuliani In Liquid But Stable Condition

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WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Emerging from the procedure after hours of touch-and-go treatment, doctors attending to Rudy Giuliani said Monday that the former New York...
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Tips For Reducing Your Exposure to Microplastics

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According to one estimate, the average human consumes five grams of microplastics every week. The Onion shares tips for reducing your exposure to the...
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McCormick Introduces New Transdermal Gravy Patch

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HUNT VALLEY, MD—Hailing the product as a life-changing alternative for those in need of controlled withdrawal solutions, officials at packaged food giant McCormick &...
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Drunk God Makes A Few Dozen Roosters Materialize Over Pacific Ocean

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HONOLULU—Cackling wildly as He willed the barnyard fowl into existence, a drunk God Almighty, Supreme Leader of the Universe, reportedly made a few dozen...
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The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Clavicular

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Influencer Braden Peters, better known as Clavicular, has generated controversy for his “looksmaxxing” content. The Onion sat down with the streamer to discuss his...
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AARP Releases Strong April Jowls Report

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WASHINGTON—Calling the past month one of the droopiest on record, officials at AARP issued a strong April jowls report Tuesday. “We’re pleased to announce that...
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Farmer Buys Guardian Dog To Protect Livestock From RFK Jr.

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ROLAND, AR—Expressing frustration that the rabid Cabinet member had completely decimated the cattle inventory, local farmer Lindon Trelby told reporters he purchased a guard...
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Report: You Probably Due To Experience Big Life Tragedy Soon

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LEXINGTON, KY—Researchers at the University of Kentucky published a study Monday confirming that you should brace yourself for a massive personal disaster, because you...
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Nation Enthralled By Adult Man With Huge Juicy Ass

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WASHINGTON—Lowering their sunglasses for a better look at the massive honkin’ caboose, the entire U.S. populace was reportedly enthralled Friday by an adult man...
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Despite own ties, Stitt criticizes dark money groups, calls for release of mansion donor...

Following a series of News 4 investigations into dark money groups trying to influence Oklahoma elections, Gov. Kevin Stitt is calling for more transparency—and...

Former CIA officer allegedly defrauded US by lying about his credentials: Complaint

The former government officer, David Rush, has been charged with theft of public money, according to a complaint filed in the Eastern District of Virginia. 

Newsom seeks to shield California elections from federal interference

Gov. Gavin Newsom has signed legislation that aims to shield California elections from federal interference ahead of the state's primary next week