ROLAND, AR—Expressing frustration that the rabid Cabinet member had completely decimated the cattle inventory, local farmer Lindon Trelby told reporters he purchased a guard dog Tuesday to protect his livestock from Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. “I first knew something was getting into the pens when I found a tattered, bloody pair of jeans tangled up in the razor wire, and I’ve heard tell of nearby farms getting picked clean by RFK Jr., so I went and bought me a guard dog in case he ever comes back,” said Trelby, adding that the dog has been trained to bark when he smells the telltale scent of beef tallow from the HHS head entering the vicinity. “I hope the new dog will ward him off, because I can’t take another day of finding chickens with their heads bitten clean off after RFK Jr. sneaks into their coop in the middle of the night.” At press time, Trelby was reportedly horrified to learn Kennedy had killed the guard dog and dragged the corpse back to his home as a prize.
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