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Posts by The Onion Staff
The Onion Staff
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American Voices
Humanoid Robot Beats Human Half-Marathon Record
Former Print Exclusive
Nicholas Geary
Animals
Mysterious Gerbil Watches From Edge Of Yard As Family Hamster Laid...
Alcohol
Regretful Conservative Wakes Up To Find He Drunkenly Got Nazi Tattoo...
Donald Trump
Trump Posts Late-Night Truth Social Rant Claiming Circuses Not Violent Enough
Disney
Disney Promises ‘Star Wars’ Fans A New Era Of Blind Stabs...
Onion News Network
Fractures Emerge Between GOP’s Pro-Pedophilia, Extremely Pro-Pedophilia Wings
Apple
Apple Backs Up Tim Cook’s Memories To Port Over Into Next...
Cartoons
Rancor Baby
Entertainment
‘Michael’ Criticized For Depicting Neverland Ranch With Cooler Rides Than It...
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Latest article
An explosion at a fireworks plant in China kills at least 26 people, state...
Authorities said search and rescue at a fireworks plant in a central Chinese province has largely been completed, but verification of the casualties and...
Cruise ship waiting for help after 3 people died in a suspected hantavirus outbreak
A cruise ship with nearly 150 people aboard was waiting for help off the coast of Cape Verde in the Atlantic Ocean after three...
Russia declares a truce in Ukraine to mark Victory Day
Russia declared a unilateral ceasefire in Ukraine for Friday and Saturday to mark the defeat of Nazi Germany in World War II, but threatened...