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The Onion Staff

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American Voices

Humanoid Robot Beats Human Half-Marathon Record

Former Print Exclusive

Nicholas Geary

Animals

Mysterious Gerbil Watches From Edge Of Yard As Family Hamster Laid...

Alcohol

Regretful Conservative Wakes Up To Find He Drunkenly Got Nazi Tattoo...

Donald Trump

Trump Posts Late-Night Truth Social Rant Claiming Circuses Not Violent Enough

Disney

Disney Promises ‘Star Wars’ Fans A New Era Of Blind Stabs...

Onion News Network

Fractures Emerge Between GOP’s Pro-Pedophilia, Extremely Pro-Pedophilia Wings

Apple

Apple Backs Up Tim Cook’s Memories To Port Over Into Next...

Cartoons

Rancor Baby

Entertainment

‘Michael’ Criticized For Depicting Neverland Ranch With Cooler Rides Than It...

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An explosion at a fireworks plant in China kills at least 26 people, state...

Authorities said search and rescue at a fireworks plant in a central Chinese province has largely been completed, but verification of the casualties and...

Cruise ship waiting for help after 3 people died in a suspected hantavirus outbreak

A cruise ship with nearly 150 people aboard was waiting for help off the coast of Cape Verde in the Atlantic Ocean after three...

Russia declares a truce in Ukraine to mark Victory Day

Russia declared a unilateral ceasefire in Ukraine for Friday and Saturday to mark the defeat of Nazi Germany in World War II, but threatened...