God Concerned By Q3 Circumcision Numbers
THE HEAVENS—Noting that a marked downward trend had developed this fiscal year and showed no signs of stopping, The Lord God, Creator of Heaven...
Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Moving Back To U.K.
Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle are set to return to the U.K. six years after stepping back from royal duties and moving...
Trembling RFK Jr. Tells Dominatrix To Use Processed Foods On His Balls
WASHINGTON—His voice shaking even more than usual as he grew excited over his impending torment, a trembling Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was overheard Thursday...
Political Profile: Natalie Harp
White House aide Natalie Harp is drawing scrutiny from many political observers. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Harp and her...
Dolly Parton Troubled To Find God Illiterate
THE HEAVENS—Her heart breaking when she discovered the Almighty fumbling over the most basic words on the page in front of Him, country music...
Raya Introduces New PR Relationship Mode
LOS ANGELES—Empowering their users to be completely upfront about their intentions, officials for the dating app Raya announced Tuesday they were launching an all-new...
Dad Stuns Family With Proclamation He Believes In Werewolves
TOPEKA, KS—In a shocking announcement that instantly brought all dinner conversation to a screeching halt, local father Jesse Pflughaupt reportedly stunned his family Monday...
Energy Drinks: Myth Vs. Fact
Regulators around the world are cracking down on energy drinks, citing serious health risks associated with high levels of caffeine and sugar. The Onion...
Trump Pushes To Rename Sexual Attraction To Children ‘Americaphilia’
The post Trump Pushes To Rename Sexual Attraction To Children ‘Americaphilia’ appeared first on The Onion.
Man Terrified After Urine Comes Out Clear For First Time In Life
CHICAGO—Growing visibly alarmed as he speculated about the unclouded liquid’s implications for his long-term health, 53-year-old Charles Lewis reportedly became terrified Tuesday morning after...
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The stakes as high as Kevin Warsh is set to give his first major...
The stakes are high as Fed Chair Kevin Warsh prepares to give a speech on Friday at the annual gathering of economists and central...
Why the new head of the National Capital Planning Commission matters to the White...
Congress created the National Capital Planning Commission about a century ago, with the idea that the agency would focus on central planning in and...
Shackled Tate brothers in court asking to be released from jail during extradition fight
MIAMI (AP) — Defense lawyers for social media influencers Andrew and Tristan Tate argued Thursday if Romania is OK with them being out of...
