WASHINGTON—His voice shaking even more than usual as he grew excited over his impending torment, a trembling Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was overheard Thursday telling a dominatrix to use processed foods on his balls. “Mistress Jessica, I’ve been a bad little health and human services secretary, and I…I deserve to have my pathetic nuts punished with Velveeta cheese,” said Kennedy, who reportedly howled in masochistic ecstasy as the leather-clad woman inched an Oreo closer and closer to his exposed testicles. According to sources, the dominatrix proceeded to drip room-temperature seed oils along Kennedy’s inner thighs while he writhed against his Twizzler-woven restraints, and she next jammed a Hostess Cupcake into his mouth to silence his frantic cries of “Oh Christ I can feel the chemical additives!” Witnesses reported that Kennedy’s eyes went wide after the dominatrix reached into a bag from 7-Eleven and pulled out a Snickers bar, which she then unwrapped and slowly traced around his nipples before lightly tapping it against his scrotum as he screamed “NO! NOT THE SOY LECITHIN!” through his snack-cake gag and came to a shuddering, agonized climax. At press time, the dominatrix was reportedly observed rubbing Kennedy’s body down with sauerkraut as aftercare.
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