THE HEAVENS—Her heart breaking when she discovered the Almighty fumbling over the most basic words on the page in front of Him, country music icon and noted humanitarian Dolly Parton was reportedly troubled to discover Wednesday that God was illiterate. “I just about washed off my makeup from crying when I saw the Lord struggle to sound out my name in the Book of Life, but now I’m thinking I might’ve been called here for a reason,” said Parton, adding that it was never too late to learn to read, not even if someone existed before the creation of the universe itself. “God always guided me in my life and lifted me up when I called out to Him, so I said, ‘Sugar, you’ve got absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Let’s you and me start at the beginning, okay? Heck, we’re just sitting around on our tushes in the afterlife. It’s not like we don’t have a couple hours a week.’” At press time, celestial sources confirmed the first free book for God had reached heaven, with an additional book scheduled to arrive monthly for all eternity.
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