Study Finds Gen Z Adults Moving Home For Better Access To Triscuits
MEDFORD, MA—Charting a steep downturn in the number of young adults living independently, a study published Wednesday by Tufts University researchers found that Gen...
Cannes Jury Sneaks Off To Watch ‘Mortal Kombat II’
CANNES, FRANCE—Glancing over their shoulders to make sure no one was watching them leave, the Cannes Film Festival jury reportedly sneaked off Tuesday to...
Sweaty Ass Print On Rowing Machine Already Fading Like All Of Our Earthly Works
FORT WAYNE, IN—In a potent reminder of the inescapably transitory nature of all that is or ever will be, reports confirmed Tuesday that the...
NASA Announces Rover Has Found Beauty In The Mundane On Mars
PASADENA, CA—Releasing the latest images transmitted by the robotic vehicle, scientists from NASA announced Tuesday that the Curiosity rover had found beauty in the...
Terrified Introvert One Away From Bingo
The post Terrified Introvert One Away From Bingo appeared first on The Onion.
Calves and Have-Nots
The post Calves and Have-Nots appeared first on The Onion.
BTS Fans Warned Flash Photography Will Trigger J-Hope’s Assassination Protocol
STANFORD, CA—Issuing a stern reminder to all concert attendees, event security staff warned BTS fans Tuesday evening that flash photography would trigger J-Hope’s assassination...
Dad Rocks Back And Forth To Gain Enough Momentum To Sit Up From Chair
HENDERSON, NV—In an effort to rise to his feet from the seated position, local dad Robert Palacios was reportedly rocking back and forth Monday...
Trump Requests $1.2 Trillion To Have
WASHINGTON—Declaring the financial allocation a matter of utmost urgency, President Donald Trump on Monday requested $1.2 trillion to have. “I’m calling upon Congress today...
Even Shaq Surprised To Learn He’s The New Spokesman For DivaCup
HEATH, TX—Admitting that he had no memory of agreeing to the endorsement deal, NBA Hall of Famer Shaquille O’Neal told reporters Tuesday that even...
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Enhanced Games Allows Competing Athletes To Use Steroids
The inaugural Enhanced Games, consisting of weightlifting, swimming, and sprinting, were held, which allowed competitors to take performance-enhancing drugs in hopes of pushing the...
Woman Worried She In Codependent Relationship With Rest Of Humanity
BOONE, NC—Noting that the troubling signs of a toxic dynamic had become too numerous to ignore, area woman Kara Vasques expressed concern Wednesday that...
Elon Musk Hits Up Text Thread To See If Any Of His 13 Kids...
STARBASE, TX—Firing off dozens of messages in less than a minute at 2:30 a.m., Elon Musk reportedly hit up a text thread Wednesday to...
