BTS Fans Warned Flash Photography Will Trigger J-Hope’s Assassination Protocol
STANFORD, CA—Issuing a stern reminder to all concert attendees, event security staff warned BTS fans Tuesday evening that flash photography would trigger J-Hope’s assassination...
Respect For Friend Drops After Reading Book They Recommended
EDMOND, OK—Saying she was now forced to totally reassess a person she had once held in the highest esteem, local woman Sara Vogler confirmed Monday...
JD Vance Disavows Trump’s Handling Of Iran War As Brilliant Strategy By An Impeccable...
The post JD Vance Disavows Trump’s Handling Of Iran War As Brilliant Strategy By An Impeccable Genius appeared first on The Onion.
Nation Begs Frozen Fruit Companies To Keep The Giant Flavorless Blackberries Coming
WASHINGTON—Stressing that they couldn’t get enough of the bland icy husks that crumble apart in their mouths, the American people reportedly begged frozen fruit...
Mom Mails Son Jar She Needs Opened
The post Mom Mails Son Jar She Needs Opened appeared first on The Onion.
U.S. Indicts Former Cuban President
The Department of Justice filed charges, including murder and conspiring to kill U.S. nationals, against former Cuban President Raúl Castro for the 1996 downing...
Dad Rocks Back And Forth To Gain Enough Momentum To Sit Up From Chair
HENDERSON, NV—In an effort to rise to his feet from the seated position, local dad Robert Palacios was reportedly rocking back and forth Monday...
H&R Block Location Mistaken For ‘Backrooms’ Fan Event
The post H&R Block Location Mistaken For ‘Backrooms’ Fan Event appeared first on The Onion.
Terrified Introvert One Away From Bingo
The post Terrified Introvert One Away From Bingo appeared first on The Onion.
Ob-Gyn Warns Alex Cooper To Avoid Public Feuds In First Trimester
LOS ANGELES—Reminding the mother-to-be that everything she did now could have consequences for her unborn child, local obstetrician-gynecologist Dr. Carol Koenig reportedly warned Call...
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Enhanced Games Allows Competing Athletes To Use Steroids
The inaugural Enhanced Games, consisting of weightlifting, swimming, and sprinting, were held, which allowed competitors to take performance-enhancing drugs in hopes of pushing the...
Woman Worried She In Codependent Relationship With Rest Of Humanity
BOONE, NC—Noting that the troubling signs of a toxic dynamic had become too numerous to ignore, area woman Kara Vasques expressed concern Wednesday that...
Elon Musk Hits Up Text Thread To See If Any Of His 13 Kids...
STARBASE, TX—Firing off dozens of messages in less than a minute at 2:30 a.m., Elon Musk reportedly hit up a text thread Wednesday to...
