Ob-Gyn Warns Alex Cooper To Avoid Public Feuds In First Trimester
LOS ANGELES—Reminding the mother-to-be that everything she did now could have consequences for her unborn child, local obstetrician-gynecologist Dr. Carol Koenig reportedly warned Call...
Cruel Stage Mom Shoves 100 Milligrams Of Adderall Down Grogu’s Throat
The post Cruel Stage Mom Shoves 100 Milligrams Of Adderall Down Grogu’s Throat appeared first on The Onion.
Pros And Cons Of Non-Grass Lawns
Many Americans are foregoing traditional grass lawns in favor of native plants, drought-resistent succulents, and even rocks. The Onion examines the pros and cons...
Anti-Aging Millionaire Announces He Has Split Back Into Sperm And Egg
LOS ANGELES—Touting the success of his intensive anti-aging regimen Project Blueprint, tech multimillionaire Bryan Johnson announced Monday that he had split back into a...
RFK Jr. Rushed To Gym After Heart Attack
WASHINGTON—In a dire health emergency that forced staffers to quickly mobilize to save the Cabinet member’s life, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was...
Chase Reminds Customers To Only Share Banking Information With People Who Seem Nice
NEW YORK—Warning that curt greetings and aggressive demands could be a sign someone was a scammer, JPMorgan Chase officials reminded customers Friday to only...
MLB Attempts To Reduce Human Error With New Electronic Bat Boys
NEW YORK—Calling the innovation a remarkable step forward in removing fallible judgment from the game, MLB executives announced Friday that they would be attempting...
Tiger Woods Completes 12-Step AA Program In 9
The post Tiger Woods Completes 12-Step AA Program In 9 appeared first on The Onion.
Japanese Eels Revealed To Have 2 Types Of Sperm
A study found that Japanese eels have two different types of sperm, shedding light on why fisheries encountered such low fertility rates during artificial...
Questions Grow Over Mystery Of Missing Legislative Branch
The post Questions Grow Over Mystery Of Missing Legislative Branch appeared first on The Onion.
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Enhanced Games Allows Competing Athletes To Use Steroids
The inaugural Enhanced Games, consisting of weightlifting, swimming, and sprinting, were held, which allowed competitors to take performance-enhancing drugs in hopes of pushing the...
Woman Worried She In Codependent Relationship With Rest Of Humanity
BOONE, NC—Noting that the troubling signs of a toxic dynamic had become too numerous to ignore, area woman Kara Vasques expressed concern Wednesday that...
Elon Musk Hits Up Text Thread To See If Any Of His 13 Kids...
STARBASE, TX—Firing off dozens of messages in less than a minute at 2:30 a.m., Elon Musk reportedly hit up a text thread Wednesday to...
