Casey Means Sucked Back Into Magical Neti Pot

Vol 62: Issue 17
The post Casey Means Sucked Back Into Magical Neti Pot appeared first on The Onion.
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Polite Cult Member Assumes Reason Penises Cut Off Will Eventually Come Up In Conversation

Vol 62: Issue 17
BOULDER, CO—Assuring himself that the rationale for the ritualized surgery would be revealed in due course, cult member Jason Fitzpatrick told reporters Friday that...
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Conservationists Give Gorillas Bank Accounts

Vol 62: Issue 17
A nonprofit in Rwanda gave gorillas bank accounts as a way to provide compensation to those who render assistance to them, with both the...
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The Met Gala By The Numbers

Vol 62: Issue 17
The 2026 Met Gala will take place Monday, May 4. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the annual star-studded event. 1 in...
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McCormick Introduces New Transdermal Gravy Patch

Vol 62: Issue 17
HUNT VALLEY, MD—Hailing the product as a life-changing alternative for those in need of controlled withdrawal solutions, officials at packaged food giant McCormick &...
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Table Tennis Champion Too Weak To Hoist Trophy Over Head

Vol 62: Issue 17
The post Table Tennis Champion Too Weak To Hoist Trophy Over Head appeared first on The Onion.
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Phish Ask Fans To Stop Hacky-Sacking Sphere

Vol 62: Issue 17
The post Phish Ask Fans To Stop Hacky-Sacking Sphere appeared first on The Onion.
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Racehorse Receives Carrot Every Time He Wins $2 Million For Owner

Vol 62: Issue 17
The post Racehorse Receives Carrot Every Time He Wins $2 Million For Owner appeared first on The Onion.
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James Comey Indicted Over Seashell Photo

Vol 62: Issue 17
The Justice Department indicted former FBI director James Comey a second time for posting a photo of seashells arranged in the shape of “86...
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Japanese Diplomat Worried He Embarrassed Himself In Front Of Kid Rock

Vol 62: Issue 17
WASHINGTON—Mortified at the effect his blundering might have on delicate relations between the two countries, Japanese diplomat Ryuto Tanaka confirmed Thursday that he was...
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Despite own ties, Stitt criticizes dark money groups, calls for release of mansion donor...

Following a series of News 4 investigations into dark money groups trying to influence Oklahoma elections, Gov. Kevin Stitt is calling for more transparency—and...

Former CIA officer allegedly defrauded US by lying about his credentials: Complaint

The former government officer, David Rush, has been charged with theft of public money, according to a complaint filed in the Eastern District of Virginia. 

Newsom seeks to shield California elections from federal interference

Gov. Gavin Newsom has signed legislation that aims to shield California elections from federal interference ahead of the state's primary next week