Nation Enthralled By Adult Man With Huge Juicy Ass

Vol 62: Issue 16
WASHINGTON—Lowering their sunglasses for a better look at the massive honkin’ caboose, the entire U.S. populace was reportedly enthralled Friday by an adult man...
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Red Light Therapy: Myth Vs. Fact

Vol 62: Issue 16
Masks, panels, and other red light therapy devices are selling better than ever. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding red light therapy. MYTH:...
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Bottle Girl Nods As Kash Patel Screams State Secrets In Ear

Vol 62: Issue 16
WASHINGTON—Smiling vacantly while the FBI director rattled off classified information over thumping EDM music, local bottle girl Tanya Page reportedly nodded along early Friday...
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Scientist Accused Of Poisoning Colleague Who Got Promotion

Vol 62: Issue 16
A University of Wisconsin lab employee admitted to poisoning a coworker’s water bottle with chloroform after the coworker received a promotion. What do you...
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Over 200,000 Heated Socks Recalled Due To Burns

Vol 62: Issue 16
Costco recalled almost 208,000 heated socks after customers reported first- and second-degree burns. What do you think? “You have to remember to set it to...
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Steve Jobs’ Fist Bursts Through Grave Clutching Crude Drawing Of Something Called ‘The Octomac’

Vol 62: Issue 16
The post Steve Jobs’ Fist Bursts Through Grave Clutching Crude Drawing Of Something Called ‘The Octomac’ appeared first on The Onion.
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Regulars Angry Dive Bar Now Popular Enough To Be Financially Solvent

Vol 62: Issue 16
COLUMBIA, MO—Growing increasingly irate that the new customer base had actually made the place profitable, regulars of local dive bar The Drunken Rooster were...
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Victor Wembanyama Returns From Concussion Speaking Fluent French

Vol 62: Issue 16
The post Victor Wembanyama Returns From Concussion Speaking Fluent French appeared first on The Onion.
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Hot Young Priests Soaked In Holy Water During Vatican’s Annual Wet Vestment Contest

Vol 62: Issue 16
VATICAN CITY—In a wild and sacred competition attended by a screaming, raucous crowd of Catholic religious leaders at Saint Peter’s Basilica, hot young priests...
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‘7 Days,’ Hisses Little Girl On Phone Call Welcoming Draft Pick To Jets

Vol 62: Issue 16
The post ‘7 Days,’ Hisses Little Girl On Phone Call Welcoming Draft Pick To Jets appeared first on The Onion.
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Despite own ties, Stitt criticizes dark money groups, calls for release of mansion donor...

Following a series of News 4 investigations into dark money groups trying to influence Oklahoma elections, Gov. Kevin Stitt is calling for more transparency—and...

Former CIA officer allegedly defrauded US by lying about his credentials: Complaint

The former government officer, David Rush, has been charged with theft of public money, according to a complaint filed in the Eastern District of Virginia. 

Newsom seeks to shield California elections from federal interference

Gov. Gavin Newsom has signed legislation that aims to shield California elections from federal interference ahead of the state's primary next week