WASHINGTON—Smiling vacantly while the FBI director rattled off classified information over thumping EDM music, local bottle girl Tanya Page reportedly nodded along early Friday morning as Kash Patel screamed state secrets in her ear. “Yeah so we’re actually invading Pakistan soon! Nobody is supposed to know that, pretty cool, right?” said Patel, spilling his Don Julio as the bottle girl feigned interest in his long, rambling story. “I can tell you’re trustworthy, so I’m going to show you some videos of how the FBI actually killed Martin Luther King Jr., check it out! God, you’re so pretty. Do you want to get out of here and go somewhere more private, how about the real Area 51? Here, take the FBI corporate card, go get us another round, and when you come back I’ll tell you all the people in the world who are secretly pedophiles that nobody else knows about. It can be our little secret.” At press time, Page was reportedly thinking about what she was going to have for dinner later as Patel was explaining how the government has been funneling money into the KKK.
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