Automatic U.S. Military Draft Registration To Begin By December
Eligible men in the United States will be registered into the military draft pool automatically by December, a measure slipped into last year’s annual...
Nation’s Sensitive Kids Denounce NHL Goal Horns
The post Nation’s Sensitive Kids Denounce NHL Goal Horns appeared first on The Onion.
Scottie Scheffler’s Masters Hopes Fade After Being Swallowed By Sandworm
The post Scottie Scheffler’s Masters Hopes Fade After Being Swallowed By Sandworm appeared first on The Onion.
Cocaine, Caffeine Detected In Sharks
A new study revealed that sharks in the Bahamas tested positive for cocaine, caffeine, painkillers, and other substances, with such contaminants increasingly found in...
Melania Trump Slams Baseless Reports Linking Her To Wrong Wealthy Pedophile
WASHINGTON—In an effort to refute what she described as utterly vile attacks on her character, Melania Trump slammed baseless reports this week that linked...
George Lucas Calls Darth Maul To Congratulate Him On Disney+ Series
SAN ANSELMO, CA—Feeling surprised and delighted by his former employee’s success, Star Wars creator George Lucas reportedly called Darth Maul on Friday to congratulate the Sith...
MLB Rookie Still Can’t Believe The Sunflower Seeds Are Free
NEW YORK—Saying that it was truly sinking in that he had finally made it to the big leagues, New York Mets rookie Carson Benge...
Pros And Cons Of Phone-Free Concerts
More artists are banning phones at their shows. The Onion examines the pros and cons of phone-free concerts.
PRO
Phone finally gets some alone time
Get to...
‘Hot Ones’ Host Begs BTS To Stop Dancing And Try Wings
NEW YORK—BTS appeared Thursday in an unconventionally tense episode of the YouTube series Hot Wings during which host Sean Evans was reportedly forced to...
Passenger Gives Birth Mid-Flight
A Caribbean Airlines passenger went into labor while traveling to New York from Jamaica, giving birth as the flight was in its final descent...
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Poll: Young Americans’ faith in the federal government sinks to record low
A growing number of young people are losing faith in the country’s political system, according to a new poll from the Institute of Politics...
Edmond man taken into custody for Internet Crimes against children
An Edmond man is behind bars after authorities say he was arrested for Internet crimes against children.
Trump’s FCC started another media war. But it has lost before and can lose...
This is an adapted excerpt from the April 28 episode of “The Briefing with Jen Psaki.”
You may remember when, in the run-up to the...
