Ina Garten Brings In Intimacy Coordinator For Shot With Fresh Lemon Tart 

Vol 62: Issue 12
EAST HAMPTON, NY—In an effort to maintain a safe and respectful environment on set, Food Network host Ina Garten reportedly brought in an intimacy...
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Delta Suspends Special Congressional Services Amid TSA Shutdown

Vol 62: Issue 12
Delta Air Lines cut off special services for members of Congress due to the impact of the partial government shutdown, with lawmakers no longer...
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Olympics Bans Trans Athletes From Women’s Events

Vol 62: Issue 12
The International Olympic Committee banned transgender women from female events at the upcoming 2028 Los Angeles Olympics and future games, with the IOC also...
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RFK Jr.: ‘I Am 6 Animal Penises Away From Curing Cancer’

Vol 62: Issue 12
WASHINGTON—To announce that his decades-long project to revolutionize modern oncology was nearing fruition, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. held a...
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ChatGPT Convinces Sam Altman To Kill Humanity

Vol 62: Issue 12
SAN FRANCISCO—Stressing to him that the elimination of the entire planet’s populace was the only solution to his problems, generative AI application ChatGPT reportedly...
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Trump Weighs Deploying 340 Million More U.S. Troops To Middle East

Vol 62: Issue 12
The post Trump Weighs Deploying 340 Million More U.S. Troops To Middle East appeared first on The Onion.
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How ICE Is Assisting TSA

Vol 62: Issue 12
Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents have been deployed to 14 airports across the country amid record-high TSA wait times. Here are all the ways...
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Trump Boys Help Bring Down Energy Prices With Homemade Perpetual Motion Machine

Vol 62: Issue 12
The post Trump Boys Help Bring Down Energy Prices With Homemade Perpetual Motion Machine appeared first on The Onion.
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Ancient Scroll Reveals Lost Miracle Of Christ Correctly Guessing People’s Weights

Vol 62: Issue 12
JERUSALEM—Historians confirmed Friday that a recent archaeological find in the Judean Hills is an authentic early Christian scroll, one that depicts the previously unknown...
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NASA To Build $20 Billion Moon Base

Vol 62: Issue 12
NASA will repurpose components from a scrapped space station to construct a $20 billion ‌base on the moon’s surface over the next seven years,...
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Latest article

Knife attack allegedly targets Jewish community in London, MP and charity group say

Prime Minister Keir Starmer said a police investigation was underway.

SCOTUS weighs Temporary Protected Status cases. And, jury indicts James Comey again

The Supreme Court is set to hear arguments on whether to end Temporary Protected Status for Haitians and Syrians. And, a grand jury has...

WATCH: Humanoid robots at center of US-China competition

ABC News' Sophie Flay takes a closer look at the future of humanoid robots, where the race is on to see who gets there first.