RFK Jr.: ‘I Am 6 Animal Penises Away From Curing Cancer’

Vol 62: Issue 12
WASHINGTON—To announce that his decades-long project to revolutionize modern oncology was nearing fruition, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. held a...
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Norris God

Vol 62: Issue 12
The post Norris God appeared first on The Onion.
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Trump Weighs Deploying 340 Million More U.S. Troops To Middle East

Vol 62: Issue 12
The post Trump Weighs Deploying 340 Million More U.S. Troops To Middle East appeared first on The Onion.
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Study: Infants Respond To Rustling Of Potato Chip Bag As Early As 3 Weeks

Vol 62: Issue 12
ITASCA, IL—In what researchers are hailing as an incredible breakthrough in the understanding of early childhood development, a study published Friday by the American...
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Taylor Frankie Paul Shows Superhuman Mom Strength Lifting Car To Throw At Child

Vol 62: Issue 12
The post Taylor Frankie Paul Shows Superhuman Mom Strength Lifting Car To Throw At Child appeared first on The Onion.
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Ina Garten Brings In Intimacy Coordinator For Shot With Fresh Lemon Tart 

Vol 62: Issue 12
EAST HAMPTON, NY—In an effort to maintain a safe and respectful environment on set, Food Network host Ina Garten reportedly brought in an intimacy...
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How ICE Is Assisting TSA

Vol 62: Issue 12
Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents have been deployed to 14 airports across the country amid record-high TSA wait times. Here are all the ways...
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Entire Spring Break Spent In Airport Security Line

Vol 62: Issue 12
The post Entire Spring Break Spent In Airport Security Line appeared first on The Onion.
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Ancient Scroll Reveals Lost Miracle Of Christ Correctly Guessing People’s Weights

Vol 62: Issue 12
JERUSALEM—Historians confirmed Friday that a recent archaeological find in the Judean Hills is an authentic early Christian scroll, one that depicts the previously unknown...
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Trump Boys Help Bring Down Energy Prices With Homemade Perpetual Motion Machine

Vol 62: Issue 12
The post Trump Boys Help Bring Down Energy Prices With Homemade Perpetual Motion Machine appeared first on The Onion.
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Knife attack allegedly targets Jewish community in London, MP and charity group say

Prime Minister Keir Starmer said a police investigation was underway.

SCOTUS weighs Temporary Protected Status cases. And, jury indicts James Comey again

The Supreme Court is set to hear arguments on whether to end Temporary Protected Status for Haitians and Syrians. And, a grand jury has...

WATCH: Humanoid robots at center of US-China competition

ABC News' Sophie Flay takes a closer look at the future of humanoid robots, where the race is on to see who gets there first.