Nation’s Women: ‘We’re Pregnant!’
WASHINGTON—In a surprising collective announcement that left the American public hugging and crying tears of joy, the nation’s women declared Wednesday that they were...
Gideon Spencer
Gideon Spencer, 77, died Monday. The family requests privacy while they fight over his stuff.
The post Gideon Spencer appeared first on The Onion.
Arby’s Reclassifies Their Food As Entertainment
ATLANTA—In a move widely interpreted as an effort to exempt its offerings from health and safety standards, American chain restaurant Arby’s issued a statement...
Swollen RFK Jr. Warns Americans Not Eating Enough Bees
WASHINGTON—After manually prying his eyelids open to read from a report he had prepared on the matter, a badly swollen Robert F. Kennedy Jr....
Jean McCarthy and Allison Foster
Friends and family of the betrothed traveled from near and far to learn there are no Ubers in Fair Grove, MO.
The post Jean McCarthy...
Only 2 Dead In Bearable Tragedy
DOVER, WI—In an incident local residents have described as more-or-less tolerable, authorities announced Friday that only two were dead in what many were calling...
Usha Vance Catches Husband Measuring Her Skull Again
The post Usha Vance Catches Husband Measuring Her Skull Again appeared first on The Onion.
International Chess Federation Adds Race Car Piece
LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—In what scholars have called the largest shake-up of the game’s rule set in centuries, the International Chess Federation announced Tuesday that it...
Evelyn Simmons
Avid online shopper Evelyn Simmons, 55, passed away suddenly, making this an opportune time for porch pirates to finally make their move.
The post Evelyn...
Converted Church For Yuppie Douchebags
Own a piece of history while lording your precious uniqueness over everyone around you with this wildly impractical $2 million statement home.
Reference #70369
The post...
Latest article
Democrats gain midterm edge, NPR poll shows. And, U.S. pauses ‘Project Freedom’
Democrats outpace Republicans in voter enthusiasm for the midterm elections, according to NPR's latest poll. And Trump says "Project Freedom" is paused because of...
Edmond Police: DoorDash driver stabbed during overnight delivery, suspect on the run
EDMOND, Okla. (KFOR) – Authorities in Edmond are searching for a man accused of stabbing a DoorDash driver with a pocket knife and running away....
WATCH: Honoring nurses on National Nurses Day
ABC News' Danny New honors hardworking nurses across the country on National Nurses Day.
