I used to struggle with my finances. Every month I’d stress out about how I was going to make rent, pay the bills, and still have something to set aside for my future. I must have read every article and watched every webinar looking for advice on how to get ahead, but the most important thing I learned didn’t come from any expert. It was a lesson I had to teach myself—that the key to financial success lies in taking advantage of others.
Trust me, screwing people over is the best thing that ever happened to my bank account.
Many of us fall into the habit of treating those around us—friends, family, coworkers—with respect. Unfortunately, this all-too-common practice can be devastating to our financial wellness. The good news is that our prospects improve dramatically as soon as we learn to see other people as nothing but tools for our personal gain. It really is that simple. In my case, the moment I started following a basic plan of always manipulating everyone around me, I was on the road to prosperity.
Everyone knows it’s important to establish trust in a business relationship. What fewer people recognize is that you need to abuse the hell out of that trust. I used to own a pizzeria with a friend of mine, and when we were starting out, money was tight. I almost certainly would have given up if I hadn’t discovered two quick and easy ways to boost my income: I withheld wages from my employees by not paying their overtime, and I skimmed cash off the top anytime my co-owner wasn’t around. I did this for a couple years, and by the time anyone caught on, I had already diversified into exploiting other people I knew.
That’s all it takes to achieve economic well-being: It’s not about sticking to a household budget or paying down credit card debt. It’s about fucking people over, again and again.
Luckily, there’s no shortage of ways to do this. Did you know you can borrow money from somebody and just never pay it back? The benefits of this approach are seemingly endless. Back when I was married, I used to take out loans from my father-in-law all the time, and I never dreamed of repaying him. I mean, what was he going to do about it? Sue his own daughter’s family? After a while he started asking to see receipts to prove I was spending the money on his grandchildren, like I’d promised, but by then I’d already enriched myself to the tune of $15,000. It’s all about taking opportunities where you find them.
That’s not to say it’s always easy. I don’t come from a privileged family where there are rich, elderly relatives suffering from dementia and just begging for someone to forge their power of attorney and siphon off their life savings. But I have been able to maintain a decent lifestyle through modest, reliable strategies like refusing to pay child support. That’s an extra $450 in my pocket each month, which isn’t too bad. Sure, I can no longer enter the state of Ohio, where there’s an outstanding warrant for my arrest, but who cares? I wouldn’t want to go there anyway. That’s where my ex-wife lives.
I know some of you out there are thinking this all sounds too good to be true. You ask: How can this be? How can taking advantage of everyone you meet possibly be the secret to long-term financial security? I’ll answer your question with a question: How the fuck do you think billionaires do it?
The post Taking Advantage Of Other People Was The Best Financial Decision I Ever Made appeared first on The Onion.
