GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Pausing as he lifted a forkful of lettuce and baby spinach toward his mouth, local man Logan Barger reportedly took a moment Monday to appreciate what a good boy he was being as he ate his salad. “Wow, look at all these greens, not to mention the cucumber slices and the cherry tomatoes,” said Barger, adding that he couldn’t help but be pleased with himself for picking off all but a few croutons and barely dipping into his side of balsamic vinaigrette. “I bet everyone has noticed how good I’m being too, and they’re proud of me for making this healthy decision. Well, I should be proud. I’m currently eating a salad without bacon bits or an add-on of crispy chicken on top. And I’m not even done. There’s still some arugula and red onion in my bowl that I haven’t even touched yet. Man, look at me go.” At press time, sources confirmed Barger had pulled into the parking lot of a Five Guys and was moments away from being a very bad boy all over again.
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