Mike Johnson Struggles To Hold Speaker Gavel While Wearing Anti-Masturbation Mitts
WASHINGTON—Apologizing to his fellow congressmen after he fumbled the wooden handle for the fifth time in a row, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson...
Man Angry He Got Hit By Sprinkler Acting Like He’s Never Going To Be...
EAU CLAIRE, WI—Staring down at his dampened shirt with a mixture of anger and stunned disbelief, local man Frank Buchwald was reportedly acting like...
A24’s ‘Elden Ring’ Film Stalled After Red Phantom Named TwinkPunisher Invades Set
BLÁSKÓGABYGGÐ, ICELAND—Expressing regret that the interruption would delay the highly anticipated video game adaptation, the producers of A24’s upcoming Elden Ring film announced Tuesday...
Nation Wakes Up From Strange Dream Where They Were Watching Soccer
WASHINGTON—Dazed while trying to piece together the series of bizarre yet deeply vivid images, the entire nation reportedly awoke Monday from a strange dream in...
‘No Bars Can Hold Me,’ Says Andrew Tate Entering 9th Hour Of Trying To...
MIAMI—Confined to a federal detention center in Florida and facing extradition to the U.K. on multiple charges of human trafficking and rape, social media...
Trump Insists Frequent Naps Necessary To Protect U.S. Interests In Dreamland
WASHINGTON—Vehemently defending his controversial closed-eye moments, President Donald Trump insisted Monday that his frequent naps were necessary to protect U.S. interests in Dreamland. “It...
Bat Dog Clearly Pregnant
The post Bat Dog Clearly Pregnant appeared first on The Onion.
Study Finds There Aren’t Enough Occasions Where You Get To Eat Rolls
ITHACA, NY—Concluding that Americans were being forced to endure huge stretches of the year without any obvious social pretext for serving warm bread, a...
Parents Sit Kids Down For Difficult Discussion About Moving To Ad Tier
PITTSBURGH—Attempting to soften the blow with a promise to go out for ice cream later, local parents Dylan and Olivia Barnes reportedly sat their...
Political Profile: Todd Blanche
Amid concerns over a $1.8 billion fund to compensate Jan. 6 rioters and his handling of the Epstein files, acting Attorney General Todd Blanche...
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New private travel packages available for upcoming Red River Showdown
Cirrus Aviation Services is partnering with Theos and Hôtel Swexan to offer a limited-availability travel package during the Red River Showdown weekend.
U.S. attorney fired by Trump less than an hour after getting job files lawsuit
The U.S. attorney in Washington state who was fired just 54 minutes after assuming the office has filed a lawsuit challenging his removal, signaling...
Watch: Man slaps fan not standing for national anthem at Cubs game
Video from a Chicago Cubs game is sparking a debate about patriotism and freedom of expression.
