BLÁSKÓGABYGGÐ, ICELAND—Expressing regret that the interruption would delay the highly anticipated video game adaptation, the producers of A24’s upcoming Elden Ring film announced Tuesday that the project had stalled after a red phantom named TwinkPunisher invaded the set. “Despite our security team’s best efforts, a loincloth-wearing invader with the handle TwinkPunisher was able to gain access to the shoot through the use of a Festering Bloody Finger, disrupting production for the foreseeable future,” said a spokesperson for the studio, adding that TwinkPunisher had tauntingly placed a Rainbow Stone on the ground for every take he managed to render unusable by performing the “warm welcome” gesture, by obscuring the actors with the Ekzykes’s Decay incantation, or by repeatedly spamming the “You’re beautiful” Prattling Pate over dialogue. “TwinkPunisher’s light equip load and high dodge roll i-frames have made it all but impossible for our crew to remove him from the premises, and Nick Offerman unfortunately had to receive medical attention after TwinkPunisher kited him into a group of hostile crabs. We’re looking into summoning some skilled cooperators to parry-bait TwinkPunisher into a one-shot Miséricorde riposte, but for the time being, we just can’t guarantee our team’s safety while a Dex/Arcane Rivers of Blood user still potentially has enough FP for Corpse Piler. Sadly, it’s possible that we’ll have to switch the entire production into offline mode before filming can continue.” At press time, TwinkPunisher had reportedly returned to his world after director Alex Garland bowed and jumped off a cliff.
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