What Are We Protesting?

Vol 62: Issue 2
The post What Are We Protesting? appeared first on The Onion.
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Teresa Willis and Brendan Cooks

Vol 62: Issue 2
Nuptials were held at the same convenience store where the bride first threatened to put a bullet in the groom’s skull if he didn’t...
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Increased Work Commitments Causing Man To Neglect Alcohol

Vol 62: Issue 2
WATERBURY, CT—Admitting his career had come between him and what mattered most, local man Andrew Tesser confirmed Thursday that mounting work obligations had caused...
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Nick Offerman Visits Criterion Closet To Rebuild Shelves

Vol 62: Issue 2
NEW YORK—In an eight-hour-long video posted Tuesday to the Criterion Collection’s YouTube channel, actor Nick Offerman can be seen paying a visit to the...
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Biologists Confirm Not Much Evolution Happened Today

Vol 62: Issue 2
STANFORD, CA—Calling it a “pretty slow one” as far as natural selection and genetic drift were concerned, biologists from Stanford University confirmed Tuesday that...
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NFL Announces Multiple Games Next Season To Be Played Across Ancient History

Vol 62: Issue 2
NEW YORK—Calling the move the logical next phase in the league’s continuing expansion into new markets, the NFL announced Monday that, beginning next season,...
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Tanya Brown

Vol 62: Issue 2
Tanya Brown, 46, died Wednesday when she was unable to prevent her driverless vehicle from dragging her through a slaughterhouse. The post Tanya Brown appeared...
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Brutal Economy Fulfills Mom’s Dream Of Having All Her Kids Back Home

Vol 62: Issue 2
DULUTH, MN—Overjoyed to have a full house for the first time since everyone went off to college, local mother Leslie Daniels confirmed Thursday it...
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Wretches Welcome

Vol 62: Issue 2
Room and board provided, but you will need to earn your keep. Your quarters are the garret, where you will sleep in silence beside...
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Poor Sleep Linked To Gong

Vol 62: Issue 2
CHICAGO—Concluding that the costs of keeping such a device in the bedroom far exceeded the benefits, a study released Monday by the University of...
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Born in south Lebanon, displaced to Beirut, two grandmothers reflect on Israeli invasions

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She invited her friends to come together to make her casket

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