Coachella Medical Staff Rush Overly Lucid Man To Emergency Psychedelics Tent

Health + Wellness
INDIO, CA—Stressing that they had to act quickly before the situation further deteriorated, medical staff working the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival reportedly...
Read more

RFK Jr.: ‘I Am 6 Animal Penises Away From Curing Cancer’

Health + Wellness
WASHINGTON—To announce that his decades-long project to revolutionize modern oncology was nearing fruition, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. held a...
Read more

Red Light Therapy: Myth Vs. Fact

Health + Wellness
Masks, panels, and other red light therapy devices are selling better than ever. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding red light therapy. MYTH:...
Read more

New Enterprise Spokesman Claims He Lost 250 Pounds By Renting Cars

Health + Wellness
ST. LOUIS—Touting the vehicle service as his secret to successfully slimming down and completely transforming his body, new Enterprise spokesman Ryan Moore told reporters...
Read more

Hiker Airlifted After Being Stung By Bees Over 100 Times

Health + Wellness
A hiker was forced to be airlifted after he was stung by bees over 100 times, with officials claiming the stings left him “unable...
Read more

FDA Loosens Restrictions On Dousing Children With Synthetic Peptides Until Something Happens

Health + Wellness
SILVER SPRING, MD—Revealing plans to lift all unnecessary regulations surrounding the use of lab-developed amino acid chains, the Food and Drug Administration announced Tuesday...
Read more

U.S. Military To No Longer Require Flu Shots

Health + Wellness
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth issued a directive lifting the requirement that U.S. service members receive the flu vaccine, citing “medical autonomy.” What do you...
Read more

Latest article

Trump doubles down on ’86’ as mob term after Comey indictment

Former FBI Director James Comey made an initial court appearance on Wednesday.

The problem(s) with Team Trump’s new price tag for the war with Iran

The list of questions surrounding the war with Iran is not short, but one of the nagging lines of inquiry involves its price tag:...

Louisiana governor intends to delay House primaries after Supreme Court ruling

Republican Louisiana Gov. Jeff Landry intends to postpone the six congressional primaries scheduled for May 16 so the state legislature can implement a new...