CHICAGO—Growing visibly alarmed as he speculated about the unclouded liquid’s implications for his long-term health, 53-year-old Charles Lewis reportedly became terrified Tuesday morning after his urine came out clear for the first time in his life. “Oh Jesus, it just looks like water—I’ve never seen it like that before,” said Lewis, who became increasingly unsettled as he recalled that he had not felt the usual intense burning sensation he had experienced while urinating for the past five decades. “It isn’t brown at all. And I barely groaned throughout any of it. Usually a little stone thing comes out, too. I’m not seeing that at all. Christ, I must be really sick. One of my buddies had see-through piss like this before and he had to go to the hospital. I’m gonna send a photo of it to my friend who works in plastic surgery and see what he thinks.” At press time, Lewis had resolved to simply drink more beer throughout the day and hope the symptom went away.
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