PEACH CREEK, KY—Taking an opportunity to firmly reiterate their stance that it weren’t their intention, America’s simple-minded bumpkins issued a joint statement Monday confirming they don’t mean no harm to nobody. “We don’t wish no ill ’pon nobody, no sir,” said bumpkin spokesperson Billy Lee “Bubba” Toddums, his beefy hands limp in the pockets of his denim overalls as he rocked on his heels, chewed a stalk of wheat, and outlined his community’s continued mission to keep mindin’ their own dern business. “We’re simple people just tryin’ to make our way in the world. Whatever goings-on occur with them other folks is between them ’n’ God. We ain’t tryin’ to make a fuss ’bout nothin’ .” At press time, Toddums amended the statement to include a public appeal for assistance in removing the pig-slop buckets that had just become stuck on their heads.
The post Nation’s Simple-Minded Bumpkins Announce They Don’t Mean No Harm To Nobody appeared first on The Onion.
