WASHINGTON—Stressing that they couldn’t get enough of the bland icy husks that crumble apart in their mouths, the American people reportedly begged frozen fruit companies this week to keep the giant flavorless blackberries coming. “If you can keep making bags of ice-caked blackberries with no taste whatsoever, we’ll take everything you got,” said Nevada resident Conner Morris, echoing the sentiment of all 340 million Americans as he revealed their strong desire to eat nothing but bitter, frosty blackberries the size of golf balls for the rest of their lives. “If we get even a hint of sweetness, though, we’re not going to be happy. Just make them huge, frost-covered, and insipid. Keep shoveling them at us, and we’ll keep slurping them up. And if you could jack up the price more, too, that would be perfect.” The U.S. populace added that the bags of frozen blackberries should ideally be fused into one giant freezer-burnt chunk.
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