LOS ANGELES—Howling in terror upon observing the Supreme Ruler of the Galaxy in all of His uncovered glory, TikTok creator Alex Morris reportedly screamed Friday after barging in on a bathing Xenu during a speedrun of a Church of Scientology building. “Jesus fucking Christ—what the hell is that thing?” Morris said mid-livestream as the ancient, incomprehensible Progenitor of All Thetans arose from His porcelain tub with a loofah in His hand. “Holy shit. Guys, this is way more than I bargained for. I just wanted to film a harmless prank, but now I can’t move my legs. Agh! What is that noise? It’s like a drum is beating in my head, or a woodpecker is trying to break out of my skull. Make it stop! Please, make it stop! Oh, fuck. That thing just stepped out of the tub. It’s approaching!” At press time, Morris had clawed his own eyes out after Xenu flooded his mind with trillions of years of Thetan history previously unknown to mankind.
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