NFL Veterans Offer Advice To This Year’s Rookie Class
The transition from college football to the NFL can be difficult, so The Onion turned to some of the league’s most seasoned players for guidance on making the jump.
Christian McCaffrey
49ers running back
“Try to get a little hurt every day all the time.”
Justin Herbert
Chargers quarterback
“Just because someone in the stands is wearing a jersey with your last name on it doesn’t mean you’re related to them. In fact, it usually means the opposite.”
George Kittle
49ers tight end
“The yellow first-down line is only visible on TV. Same with the grass. Games are shot on a soundstage, and they add all that stuff in post.”
C.J. Gardner-Johnson
Bills safety
“Trash talk is an art. You have to get inside the receiver’s head. Find out where he went to elementary school. Find out the name of his childhood dentist. Find out why his parents stopped taking him there. Then, on third-and-eight, simply whisper, ‘Dr. Valenti.’”
Mÿles “Garrett” Gärrättinen
Rams defensive end
“Heads-up, you can’t be openly Finnish in the NFL—the culture’s just not there yet.”
Micah Parsons
Packers defensive lineman
“Getting a sack feels wonderful because you have spent the entire play chasing a man and finally you catch him and get to lie on top of him for a little while. I recommend sacking as much as you can!”
Joe Burrow
Bengals quarterback
“Don’t eat any glowing stuff that says ‘DO NOT EAT.’”
Josh Allen
Bills quarterback
“When you first set foot on that field, take it in and enjoy the moment. Breathe in the air, take in the sounds. Climb into the stands, wear a fan’s hat. Go to the concession stand and buy a Coke, the biggest size they have. Drink all of it. Go to the bathroom.”
T.J. Watt
Steelers linebacker
“Aaron Rodgers will offer you unpasteurized milk from his house. Don’t drink it. He doesn’t have cows—we think he’s making it himself.”
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