Regretful Conservative Wakes Up To Find He Drunkenly Got Nazi Tattoo Removed

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COEUR D’ALENE, ID—Wincing from a pounding headache and hazy memories of debauchery, regretful conservative Nate Hanlon reportedly woke up Wednesday morning to find that...
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Political Profile: Kash Patel

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Kash Patel’s time as FBI director has been plagued by accusations of chaotic behavior, binge drinking, and unexplained absences. The Onion shares everything you...
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Drunk God Makes A Few Dozen Roosters Materialize Over Pacific Ocean

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HONOLULU—Cackling wildly as He willed the barnyard fowl into existence, a drunk God Almighty, Supreme Leader of the Universe, reportedly made a few dozen...
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Study Finds Gen Z Drinking Fewer Flagons Of Mead Than Medieval Generations

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ST. LOUIS—Revealing a drastic decline in regular honey-wine consumption among youths, a new study published by researchers at Saint Louis University found that Generation...
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Tiger Woods Completes 12-Step AA Program In 9

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The post Tiger Woods Completes 12-Step AA Program In 9 appeared first on The Onion.
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New York back in NBA Finals for first time since 1999 after beating Cleveland

New York will play the defending champion Oklahoma City Thunder or San Antonio Spurs in the finals. The Western Conference finals is tied at...

New York back in NBA Finals for first time since 1999 after beating Cleveland...

Karl Anthony-Towns had 19 points and 14 rebounds, OG Anunoby scored 17 and the New York Knicks routed the Cleveland Cavaliers 130-93 Monday night to complete a four-game sweep of the Eastern Conference finals and advance to the NBA Finals for the first...

3 men wanted in connection with US athlete burglaries arrested in Argentina

The three men were wanted on a federal charge following burglaries that targeted the homes of athletes including Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce.