NEW YORK—Condemning the widespread practice as “cruel and inhumane,” animal rights activists reportedly made comments Tuesday decrying the meat industry for separating calves from their cool uncles. “It should shock our collective conscience that calves as young as a few hours old are ripped away from their mothers’ fun, easygoing brothers,” said activist Heather Bolton, adding that calves displayed signs of clear distress when deprived of contact with older male relatives who knew how to hang loose and just go with the flow. “Cows are highly social animals and suffer greatly when separated from chill uncles who can show them how to do tricks with their cud or get a little buzz going off of fermented apples. To deny these calves the mellowness of avuncular love is brutal and unnatural, not to mention the obvious sorrow observed in uncles who anxiously pace around their enclosures when they can’t teach the calves how to get a little thrill by rubbing their ass against an electric fence.” At press time, the activists further condemned the meat industry for not doing enough to separate calves from their uptight, weirdly Christian cousins.
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