THE HEAVENS—Shaking His head in disbelief as the color drained from His face, God, Our Heavenly Father, was reportedly horrified Monday to learn that humans had been consuming the sacred, omniscient potatoes He sent to earth. “Potatoes? As in the one part of My divine creation I painstakingly made in My image and imbued with all the knowledge of the universe? You’ve been eating those?” the Lord Almighty said as he reeled in disgust at the sight of dinner plates overflowing with the boiled, baked, and mashed remains of His most trusted emissaries. “Excuse Me, you’ve eaten how many over the last 7,000 years? It should have been super obvious that russets, fingerlings, and Yukon Golds were put there to be honored and adored. I bestow upon you these enlightened, holy beings to serve as oracles and shepherds of your feeble mortal minds, and now I find out you’ve been wrapping them in foil and roasting them at 400 degrees? I don’t believe what I’m seeing—that’s infinite wisdom and understanding you’re so callously dicing into cubes. That’s what yams are for!” According to celestial sources, God later cursed mankind with a thousand years of famine after He observed a family enjoying a basket of french fries made from the flesh of three venerated sages.
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