BOULDER, CO—Assuring himself that the rationale for the ritualized surgery would be revealed in due course, cult member Jason Fitzpatrick told reporters Friday that he assumed the reason everyone’s penises were cut off would eventually come up in conversation. “The last thing I want to do as a new recruit is come in demanding explanations for every little thing that goes on here,” said Fitzpatrick, adding that the best course of action was to be patient and wait until someone offhandedly mentioned what the plan was for all the severed penises scattered across the temple floor. “Honestly, I’ve been onboarded with a lot of new information about The Becoming and attaining a higher level of spiritual consciousness since I joined, so it’s possible they already mentioned why our reproductive organs were hacked off with a serrated blade made from a meteorite and I just didn’t clock it. Although it does seem like the type of thing I’d remember. I guess maybe at some point I could sidle up to The Exalted One and bring up the concept of self-amputation generally to prime the pump, but only if it feels organic.” At press time, a determined Fitzpatrick had decided to ask about the penises point-blank as soon as everyone had finished their phenobarbital-laced pudding.
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