COLUMBIA, MO—Growing increasingly irate that the new customer base had actually made the place profitable, regulars of local dive bar The Drunken Rooster were reportedly upset Friday after the business had become popular enough to be financially solvent. “This place used to be cool and underground, man. Now they have so many people in here they’re probably going to be in the black this quarter,” said regular Emily Knapp, lamenting that the watering hole had become so in fashion that the bathrooms were no longer the disgusting and filthy as she had grown to love all these years. “Now that it’s not a huge economic drag on the owners, the place has lost all its character. Sure there were code violations everywhere, and there were massive fire hazards all over the place, but now the life is completely gone. I don’t even have to keep an eye on my drink with this new clientele. What a bummer.” Knapp went on to bemoan the fact that the bar had become successful enough to actually start paying the bartenders a livable wage.
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