NEW YORK—Calling the issue an existential threat to American parties, hangouts, and chill seshes, a group of leading immunologists issued a statement Tuesday warning about the rise of good time–resistant supernarcs. “Over the past decade, we’ve witnessed the emergence of narcs that are able to ruin gatherings at rates over 100 times faster than conventional buzzkills,” said Dr. Helga Leahy of Weill Cornell Medical College, adding that physicians had observed supernarcs capable of remaining fully uptight even when exposed to dope tunes and immaculate vibes. “These supernarcs can call the cops within milliseconds of a round of Puff Puff Pass starting, and show virtually no reduction in lameness when promised the music will stay at a reasonable volume. Some have even been recorded complaining about marijuana smoke from over 20 miles away. Telling them to chill out and cut loose a little has zero effect, so if you’re cracking open a cold one in the basement with your buddies and a stick-in-the-mud flicks the lights on and off and insists they’re seriously gonna tell everybody’s parents, it may already be too late. These supernarcs can and will harsh all mellows currently known to science.” Leahy went on to state that unless drastic action was taken to stem the tide of supernarcs, humanity could completely lose its ability to unwind after a long day.
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