Trump To Rename AI ‘Super Intelligence’ On All U.S. Documents
President Trump directed U.S. agencies to rename AI to “super intelligence” on all official documents, claiming that the term “artificial” made the technology sound...
Nation’s 93-Year-Olds Announce Plan To Crash Car Into Side Of Bank
WASHINGTON—In a joint statement outlining the mission shared by hundreds of thousands of elderly American citizens, the nation’s 93-year-olds announced a new plan this...
Chris Hansen Slams ‘Primetime’ For Inaccurate Portrayal Of Celebratory Breakdances He Did After Catching...
LOS ANGELES—Ripping apart the film’s “egregious” omission, former To Catch A Predator host Chris Hansen took to social media Tuesday to slam Primetime for...
Cornell Vows That Rapists Will Be Forced To Write Much Longer Essays In The...
ITHACA, NY—Acknowledging serious missteps in their handling of a 2024 campus sexual assault case, administrators at Cornell University vowed Tuesday that, going forward, rapists...
Political Profile: Abdul El-Sayed
Abdul El-Sayed is the Democratic nominee for the U.S. Senate in Michigan. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the progressive candidate.
Ethnicity:...
Heart-Wrenching Movie Scene Immediately Cuts To Liberty Biberty
The post Heart-Wrenching Movie Scene Immediately Cuts To Liberty Biberty appeared first on The Onion.
Posture Adjusted To Equally Incorrect Posture
The post Posture Adjusted To Equally Incorrect Posture appeared first on The Onion.
Creatively Tapped-Out Peter Thiel Launches Startup Called ‘Frodo, But Evil’
BUENOS AIRES—After exhausting a significant amount of his intellectual energy in a series of company launches, a creatively tapped-out Peter Thiel announced Tuesday a new...
Taylor Swift Surpasses Geppetto The Incredible Waltzing Horse As Most-Awarded VMAs Artist
LOS ANGELES—With her three wins last night finally putting her ahead of her greatest pop star rival, Taylor Swift surpassed Geppetto the Incredible Waltzing Horse...
Pros And Cons Of Using Personal AI Agents
Tech companies have begun offering personal AI agents, which can access users’ accounts and perform tasks on their behalf. The Onion examines the pros...
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DOJ files judicial misconduct claim against Minnesota judges after New York Times interviews
The Department of Justice has filed a judicial misconduct claim with the Eighth Circuit Court of Appeals against several federal judges in Minnesota after...
Jury recommends life without parole for man in rape of 15-year-old
Oklahoma County District Attorney Vicki Zemp Behenna
announced on Wednesday that a jury has convicted Merle Johnson, 53, on all six counts related to the...
‘I’m voting with my anger’: Cuts to polling places spark backlash in a GOP-run...
Angry, hurt and targeted. That’s how voters in some of Tarrant County’s heavily Black, Hispanic and low-income neighborhoods said they feel after learning that...
