Amish Man Ashamed To Learn He Logging Over 5 Hours Of Horse Time Per...
NEW PROVIDENCE, PA—Expressing shock at how much time he’d been wasting on the mindless activity, local Amish man Eli King was reportedly ashamed to learn...
George Lucas Frantically Hosing Wasp Nest Out Of R2-D2 Before Museum Opening
SAN ANSELMO, CA—Cursing himself for ever thinking “this museum thing” was a good idea, a frantic George Lucas was reportedly hosing a wasp nest...
Bankrupt Kennedy Center Auctions Off JFK’s Skeleton
WASHINGTON—Saying dire financial circumstances had left it with nothing but the most desperate option, the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts announced Monday...
Measles: Myth Vs. Fact
Vaccination rates of U.S. children have fallen beneath the threshold needed to maintain herd immunity, triggering measles outbreaks in many states. The Onion examines...
NSFW Artist Struggling To Improve On Sexiness Of Regular Muppets
PORTLAND, OR—Admitting that he was completely at a loss over what he could possibly add, NSFW artist Caleb Driscoll told reporters Monday that he...
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JD Vance pleads with voters to give Republicans ‘more time’
When JD Vance appeared on a prominent podcast last week, the vice president had an opportunity to pitch his message for the midterms. It...
Airports resume operations after massive disruptions in Northeast
Flights resumed at several major East Coast airports following a telecommunications disruption that resulted in disruptions for thousands of flights on Monday.
Police identify victim in fatal SW Oklahoma City shooting
Police have identified the victim in a deadly shooting that happened in Southwest Oklahoma City on Saturday.
